


Irreplaceable

by the-canary (siruru)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Bittersweet Ending, Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, Miscommunication, Moving On, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Puppy Love, Reader-Insert, Secret Crush, Time Skips, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-07-15 07:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16058048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/the-canary
Summary: It’s not even about not noticing what’s in front of you. At this point, it was plain idiocy on both your parts.





	1. you can always be replaced by someone else.

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @writingcroissant 2k writing challenge. hello, people i was in the mood for a trashy cliches so i put them all together and you guys get this. not the best, but enjoy the mess! 
> 
> Prompt: “You know that feeling when you’re not your favourite person’s favourite person, and it kind of feels like you’re constantly swallowing sand?”

**August.**

In the summer between elementary and middle school, little James Buchanan Barnes is supposed to move from the only city he has ever known, New York City, to a little noplace on the map called Shelbyville, Indiana. He and his sisters had been told their mother had gotten a large inheritance from her grandaunt (someone they had never met before), things needed to be watched over so they were going back -- little Bucky being reminded that he had been born there, but he didn’t know such a place. All he had ever known was New York -- Brooklyn was where he had spent 10 years playing and learning, it was where Steve was at. 

With a hug and Steve’s information safely placed in his luggage, James Barnes and his family make the drive. A sour look on his face the entire time as his sisters seemed excited over the change, but maybe it might be over the fact they might get horses and have seen pictures of the old estate they will be living on -- just like things out of their picture books.

Twelve hours later, he’s in a completely new area -- there is green grass everywhere and tall homes with white fences around them. The new Barnes’ home was painted is dark green hues that mixed in with the large oak woods that surrounded it. The movers are bringing things out, as he looks around in momentary awe compared to the small apartment that cramped in the 6 family members. It’s while he’s looking around that he sees two adults walking up to his parents. George Barnes calls out to all his children to meet their new neighbors.

“This is James, he’s twelve and starting middle school,” his father explains, as he notices something move behind the tall woman as the slightly shorter man speaks. 

“Our daughter is the same age!” he declares, as he pulls on the figure and brings her into the spotlight. She gives her name and welcomes the large family. Her eyes meets Bucky’s blue ones and she gives him a nervous smile. Little James’ heart speeds up for a moment before his sisters drag her away into the grassy front lawn. 

Bucky Barnes, years later, swears it was love at first sight.    

**September.**

There is a lack of children on your block before the Barnes came into your life and you happily accept all of them. 

For James, it’s like Brooklyn all over again but with you instead of Stevie, though he doesn’t enjoy the fact that he has to share you with his sisters from time to time. You remind him of Stevie (he even shows you the letters the blond sends him) sometimes because while you are quiet, there is a strong core at your center -- you’re stubborn when you want to be and that often leads to small spats here and there when you want to do something (usually something quiet and indoors) and he had something else in mind (something loud and outdoors).

Like tonight, when he knows that he shouldn’t have ditched you for all those new kids he had meet in school. Everyone had ganged up on him as the new kid from New York and Bucky couldn’t say no to the attention, even if it had pushed you away from him -- he only saw your sad face before you disappeared into the main building with a blonde girl, and he couldn’t exactly apologize when you didn’t have any classes together

_ Clink! Clink!  _

You hear something tap at your window after dinnertime, while you’re trying your best to finish the math homework that had already been assigned. However, it’s too boring and dreadful that the first noise you hear catches your attention, as you walk over to the window and look out to the joined backyard your family and the Barnes share, that where you see him -- James standing there with handful of rocks in his hand. You frown.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve,” you huff out feeling all the anger from today raising within, as you call him all the bad words you can think in your 12-year-old head, but Bucky takes it all with a smile and a soft look in his blue eyes. He waits until you stop, out of breathe but much calmer than before. 

“I’m sorry,” he says before pulling out a daisy chain, Rebecca probably made it, from his pocket. You stare at him for a long time and he is sure you’re going just ignore him, but you just nod and say okay. 

“--But you owe me ice cream,” you say as an afterthought and he can’t help but grin. 

The years are spent like that -- James, or as everyone else calls him “Bucky”, going into different cliques here and there -- one day he’s hanging out with the jocks, another he’s with the artists, and let’s not talk about those “alternative” and emo phases he went through, though somehow he always manages to have some of the highest grades in all of the school. James is always trying to find somewhere to belong as his sisters make friends and drift apart with age and you find your own things to be busy with, such as sports and student government. However, at the start of summer there is always that one rock thrown at your window -- all pretenses, false friends, and temporary girlfriends forgotten-- at you ran to your door to see a boyish smile and bright blue eyes. 

Every summer you’re temporary James Barnes’ favorite person, and you cling onto that desperately for the rest of the year -- the memories making that nostalgia sweeter as he runs away to play a different person, thus ignoring you entirely.    

Because you’ve known for a long time that he’ll always be yours. 

Too bad the winter of your junior year finally makes you see the truth and how stupidly naive you were. 

**December.**

Winter break is a short thing that you usually spent at home, enjoying the winter weather of your hometown by staying inside. You were old enough that your parents let you do your own thing now, as they went to banquets for your father’s affairs and later on the West Coast to visit family. The Barnes usually headed back to New York, though one or two sisters stayed as they got older -- James always went to visit Steve. So in your lonesome, you watch old movies, read anything you can get your hands on, and sleep for hours -- a true teenaged paradise. 

Snuggling in your bed fort with some Hot Pockets and old movies until you hear a knock at the door, though due to the time of night you decide to stay in your cave, that’s until you hear that familiar  _ clink, clink.  _ You get up and rush to the window to have a cheeky looking James Barnes looking at you -- wearing a black leather jacket and a lip piercing. You couldn’t help but at admit that it did look in part of that outfit. 

“What do ya want, James?” you yell as he lifts his hand to show you a black box, which just confuses you even more, so he decides to explain. 

“I need some help dyeing my hair!” he yells back since he knows that you parents aren’t there, though Rebecca and Lizzie are probably at home, though you are wondering why he hadn’t gone to see Steve instead of staying here. He doesn’t wait for your answer, as he is already climbing up that vine wall on the side of your window -- like he had started doing since 8th grade. You yelp as he pushes his way through window.

“Hey,” he says breathlessly as you can’t help but shake your head for the moment. You shake your head before leading him to the bathroom at the side of your room since you know he won’t leave when his mind is already made up on something.

He sits on the toilet seat, taking off his jacket to reveal a short-sleeved band shirt that you aren’t quite so familiar with. He gives you the box as you start reading it. James hums a little tune as you start opening the box.

“So why exactly are you trying to dye your hair again?” you ask remembering the bright red he had for Halloween a few years back for a pretty girl to win a costume contest. 

“I lost a bet with some punks in Rumlow’s group,” James shrugs like it’s nothing, as you can’t help but let out a hum of disapproval, while putting on the gloves that come with the box and making sure that everything is ready.     __

“Why are you trying to hangout with Rumlow, James?” you ask, as you take the bleach filled container and begin to run it through his hair. He looks up at you for a moment, blue eyes sparkling with excitement. 

“He’s cool, his parties are pretty wicked too,” he answers back as you frown, only for you to pull his head back down and keep going with the process as described on the back of the box. 

“He’s dangerous,” you add, remembering what you had heard of Rumlow’s gang and the things his stepfather was good at hiding due to his connections to the affluent people of the city. It was on open secret and only the rowdy and stupid kind of folk fell into his schemes -- them and Bucky, you try to compromise in your head.  

“Not everything ya daddy says is dangerous is, doll,” he chuckles, pressing his forehead against your shirt and you give silent thanks that it’s an old band shirt instead of  something your mother would kill you over if it got a bleach stain on it. You finish and let him sit there for the color to sink it. You grab a plastic hair net and put it around his head with a smile.  

“Just be safe,” you plea, dragging him up just a little so you can place a kiss on his cheek, “Please.” 

You try to go back to a standing position, but a hand on your wrist drags you back. Blue eyes are smoldering with something you had never seen before, at least never in your direction, as he goes from looking at your face and straight at your lips. The air is heavy with anticipation as he bites his bottom lips for a moment, leaning it little by little -- giving you enough room to break this, whatever is happening. However, you looking at his own lips gives him all the motivation he needs to move in until---

There’s a knock and then the welcome yell of your father as your parents come back from their banquet earlier than usual. The moment passes and you’re out the door, to welcome them, as James lets out of curse of defeat, though not exactly sure of what the hell happened and questioning why his heart is racing so fast with you compared to all those other girls he had been with. Bucky knows he needs to leave and process everything that had just happened.  

He goes out through the window of your bedroom, having done it several times before, not knowing that this was the last time you would really talk to each other. 

**January.**

You don’t see James after the bathroom incident since you and your parents had traveled to the West Coast to visit family and work friends. You have long forgotten the incident  and shoved it to the back of your head until the last possible minute when it all comes crashing back to you the night before school starts once more. You think about blond hair, bright blue eyes, and that laughter that never seems to be directed your way and for once it is. And you aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to forget it.

You want to ask James a lot of things, want to know what he would have done if your parents’ hadn’t come back home earlier than promised, if he felt the same way you did. You’re all sweaty palms and a beating heart on the way to school -- it’s a new semester, but it could also potential lead to something else. You know that you and James hadn’t always had the best relationship, but then what the hell was he doing just about to kiss you?

“Good morning,” Sharon smiles as you enter the building and head to that old familiar locker, “Guess what I heard!”

“What?” you ask with a pitch too high, thinking that your closest friend has found out the only thing you haven’t told her. She raises an eyebrow at your strange attitude before going back to what she was talking about. 

“Bucky and Dot eloped!” Sharon squeals like it’s some time of forbidden romance when it’s just two stupid teenagers doing stupid things (as your father would say later on about the event), “Went all the way to Indianapolis, and now their parents are trying to bring them back!”

You remember badly dyed blond hair and bright blue eyes -- and you let it die.

“Good for them, I guess,” you shrug, unable to say anything else. Sharon agrees, deciding not to say anything about your current attitude as the bells rings to signal the start of first period.

**February.**

James and Dolores come back towards start of the month, embarrassed and guilty with rumors running wild from her being pregnant to money being involved. It’s too crazy for the redhead that her parents eventually send to out of the city, to where you don’t know and James -- well, you don’t care about that. You are too busy with badminton, student council, and your high-level courses. It gets to the point that the counselor tells you that you could graduate a year early.

That wasn’t your plan of action, you wanted to enjoy senior year but you weren’t going to have it be in Shelbyville, as you informed your parents that you wanted to move to the West Coast to live with your favorite aunt -- as a way to prepare yourself for college since all your choices were there.

They agree with your level headedness, though with some rules placed here and there. They make you wait until the start of summer for one and you agree with a sigh.  _ At least it’s only a couple of more months, _ is all you can think.

**March - May.**

He swears that he tries talking to you, tries to catch your eye when you’re walking down the hall or when you walking back to the school bus. Bucky is an idiot and he needs to explain a lot of things, but after the incident with Dot, nobody wants to listen to him. His parents barely let him out of their watchful eyes, but he doesn’t blame them. His friends look at him like he’s a different person, unsure of who the real Bucky Barnes is. Hell, he doesn’t know anymore either. The school only lets him back in because of his grades, though the principal watches him and tell him not to run afoul.

His sisters are the only ones that have his back. The only people that listened to his side of the story and it was only until the end, when Rebecca finally talks that he realizes the truth about the whole matter. 

“ _ Jamie, are you in love with our next door neighbor _ ?” she asks and it was like a firecracker sparked in front of him. He had been in love with you since 6th grade when you walked alongside a very nervous him to school. Even though he pushed you away whenever the spotlight was on him, you were always there with a soft smile on your face waiting in the background, waiting underneath that starry backdrop after he hit your bedroom window with that first rock.

Now, he had lost you. However, Bucky has always been stubborn, especially when it came to you.      

He tries throwing a rock on your window one chilly May morning, he gets no response on the first, second, or third try. On the fourth, he sees something move from the inside. The air in his lungs freeze in anticipation only for his heart to stop instead when he sees the curtains close for the first time in years.

That’s the point that he confirmed that he had lost you.

**June.**

June marches in without notice as you prep the last bit of your items for the move. Your aunt having already received the major things over the last couple of weeks, now all that was left was a duffel bag and you ready to be sent the airport. All the goodbyes --to Sharon, to the Barnes sisters-- had been said and you were ready to move on and even though the bottom your throat ached at the thought of a certain boy -- you knew you were better than this. You couldn’t be stuck on Bucky Barnes forever.

Your mother gives you a hug and promises to visit you during the annual summer events the company has, as you promise to call her every other day. Your father is waiting in the front seat of the old car as you notice Rebecca Barnes, barely awake and in her pajamas, waiting near her home. 

“We’ll miss ya,” she says with a sad smile as you pull her in for a hug. You promise to call or write when you can, but the little hiccup in your voice makes her realize that you are lying -- you’ll cut all ties to be a stronger person, that’s the type of person that she knows that you are. She wants to tell you that her older brother is in love with you, that he’s been a mess since the last time you had seen him. 

“Take care of him,” is all you manage to whisper as she lets out a small sob because even with all the hurt you had felt over the years, over these past couple of months -- you still felt something. You just didn’t plan on ever acting up on it. Rebecca wanted to slap both of you over your heads, but it was too late.

She waves as you get into the car and drive away -- it’s like when she and her family first came here to find you. She just never thought she would see the day you would be leaving before them -- you always been a part of their lives and now she could only wonder how they would all deal without you. She gives your mother one last smile before heading back inside. She just didn’t expect to see Bucky waiting for her midway through the staircase, dressed and waiting for something to finally happen. Well, it had -- just not in the way he was expecting it to. 

“Becca, why were you outside?” Bucky’s sleepy voice is hopeful from his position on the stairs. Maybe, his younger sister had finally been successful in being the mediator in this rough patch between the two of you. However, that happy thought is soon snuffed out at the sight of her sad blue eyes and scowl. 

“I was saying goodbye,” she remarks as Bucky gets confused over her statement, “She left to the airport just now, going to Cali.” 

“Like a trip?” Bucky asks. You and your parents had always gone these little trips during winter and summer breaks, which he had always hated since you left him all alone -- now he knew why. Rebecca shakes her head and Bucky’s heart stops.

He curses and hits the wall next to him with all his fury and anguish before heading back to his room. Bucky Barnes goes back and doesn’t come out for the next 3 months -- why would he? 

You had taken the golden rays of summer with you and the world became a colorless afterthought.  


	2. the unconditional.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is for @writingcroissant 2k writing challenge. welcome to the mess part. 2 (at 7K), adding more cliches and a wedding + mutual pinning. i know how i feel about the ending and if ya’ll wanna see it – let me know what you think. If ya don’t like angst, don’t read.

The years since leaving Shelbyville treated you as kindly as they can. You grow up a wallflower during the last year of high school -- there isn’t any smiling Sharon, quirky classmates, or the Barnes sisters to hang out with. There isn’t any James Barnes, but you’re too stubborn to let it go and as you start university it fades into the background. The new setting allows for a new you to bloom and as you made new friends while preparing yourself to take over the family business -- Shelbyville became a distant dream with the closest you got to being in Indianapolis whenever you went to meetings. 

Sharon, happily married with kids, had caught you up on things wherever you meet in the city and you kept with the Barnes sisters in a sort of social media friends way. Rebecca was happily engaged to a man she had meet in university and was a successful teacher, Lizzie was doing her graduate program, and Millie was driving cross-country for her photography work. The only things you had heard of James were that he had joined the Army straight out of high school and worked based out of New York.

In making your peace with everything, you had forgiven and moved on a long time ago. You went on dates and had meaningful relationships, though that wasn’t happening recently due to the work that came with expanding the company into other countries -- the work was hard and it caused you long hours of travel. You sure you were fine with it--

“Oh, is this from the one that got away~?” Sam questions looking at the small beige envelope with your name written on it. You groan at the use of said song whenever it came to you and him talking about your past, particularly James. It was wasn’t often, but the man that dared called himself your best friend knew when to use it in exactly the right moment. 

“No, it’s for his younger sister’s wedding,” you remark while looking at the beautifully written Rebecca and William at the center of the invitation. You had only met the man once or twice, but you could tell how deeply in love they were, it was almost a little envious. You take a drink of your beer, the rom-com in front of you long forgotten as you note that sparkle in Sam’s brown eyes.

“And are you going? She was a pretty good friend, no?” you glare at Sam as he takes seat next to you, playing that psychologist card he knew too well. You frown before throwing the couch pillow at him, after so many years as friends -- he knew you too well. Sam knew you weren’t planning on going. 

“I don’t think I could handle seeing him again,” you admit, as Sam gets bit closer and throws his arm over your shoulder. That familiar sweet grin on his face telling you he had a devious plan in mind.

“And if you took someone with you?”

* * *

**Indianapolis, Indiana.**

The years for James Buchanan Barnes are a mixed bag with its highs and lows. He joins the military and serves for as long as he can, until his arm and half his hearing are gone. He takes twice as long trying to put himself back together, but he tries his hardest with the help of his friends and family. He figures out in the long run that it is probably better for him to stay in Shelbyville than go back to New York like his long term plan was. He goes to university through different methods until finally getting his degree in architecture and design, opening up a 2nd branch to his firm in Indianapolis, while Steve Rogers runs it in their old running ground. Hell, Bucky watches his best friend get married to the love of his life, though he struggles with the last part himself. 

He just never thought that his younger sister would be getting married before him. However, aside from that problem, the wedding brought another issues at hand. 

> _ “The wedding invitations have been sent out, Jamie,” Rebecca explains one bright summer morning. Rebecca had enough time to meet with James now that school was out and before all the wedding stuff went into full gear. James didn’t know about what, but she seemed a bit apprehensive.  _
> 
> _ “That’s great, kid,” Bucky smiles at the glow Becca seems to have and he can’t help but feel proud of his little sister and how far she has come, though that thought quickly changes when he sees her frown. _
> 
> _ “Here’s the thing though...I sent an invitation to her as well,” Becca explains, knowing all too well the story between them, “I just wanted to give you a heads up.”  _

That had been at the start of the summer and now only so close to the wedding was James finally starting to freak out. Yes, he had tried to go on dates and had some relationships peppered throughout the years he had last seen her, but somethings just never worked out. There were expectations and fears he now held that didn’t allow the old Bucky Barnes to shine through, James had gained and lost of a lot but he had come out a more matured man overall -- he understood a bit more of himself and what he wanted from the people around him. It led to a smaller group of friends, but those he knew had his back. Like the one sitting across from him right now.

“So, you want me to be your date?” Nat goes over his plan once again -- a habit from their Army days together, “So you won’t look like an lonely idiot in front of the love of your life?” 

“Yeah,” is all he can manage to say before running a hand through his long hair in frustration. Nat being one of his old Army buddies knew the story too well, especially when he went and spilled the whole thing one drunk evening between their whole regiment. Later on (after they had finished their time serving their country), he had tried asking her on a date only for Nat to throw the forgotten tirade back in his face with a sharply pointed smile. 

“And what if she’s just as lonely as you are, lover boy?” she grins, as Bucky just shakes his head. He had thought about it a million of times before: if she was still single, if he could just gain the courage and reach out to her. However, after everything had gone down and how he didn’t even take the time to explain everything to her, like he had done with his sisters and parents -- he deserved everything she had deprived him of. 

“I doubt it,” James says with a hint of despair in his voice before chugging his beer. Natasha giving him a sardonic smile before agreeing, though she is sure this is a disaster in the making.

* * *

The home staring back at you hasn’t changed much, except for your mother switching the tulips in front for camellias, which makes you smile just a bit. Your mother screams from the front porch, as she sees you and Sam come out of the taxi, as she pulls the man into a big hug. You swore that your mother loved him more than you sometimes. Your father walks a bit slower, his age and health problems causing him to spend more time at home than at the company like he did when you were younger. Nevertheless, they are happy to see you. 

“Sam, how have you been?” your mother smothers him like the son she never had, as he chuckles before declaring he has been doing well in his professional life, his romantic -- well that was another story. Your father pats you on the shoulder before asking what was always on his mind when he was saw or called you. 

“How’s the expansion going?” he questions with bright eyes, proud but still forever worried about the company he built up and his only child leading it. 

“I have a meeting in Mexico City in two weeks. You already know that, Pa!” you chuckle, as you grab both of your bags and begin to head inside. You look out of the corner of your eye and look at the old green Barnes’ house. For a brief moment, you wonder who would be in there besides George and Winnie Barnes before Sam pulls you by your waist into the home with a sympathetic smile. 

The return to your childhood home had caused your parents to bring out the big guns when it comes to dinner -- BBQ on the grill in the shared backyard. They’ve added fairy lights to the back porch, as things from your childhood --like the swing on the tree-- look like they haven’t been used in a very long time. Sam, in curiosity and teasing, asks all the regular questions of an old house like yours, though mainly is it haunted, as you share a good laugh. 

“This reminds me of,” Sam starts motions with his hand at the whole backyard, “Of that song those sorority girls would sing at karaoke nights.”

“Oh geez, you mean:  [ Kiss me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N-qO3sPMjc) ~” you start off laughing and out of tune, as Sam soon joins in, “M e beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor.”

Your mother and father shake their heads, as they had seen your antics before with Sam whenever they meet-up with you, but they let this slip for now since they hadn’t seen you enjoy yourself in their home in a very long time. The impromptu singing turns into a dance with you laughing on Sam’s shoulder, neither of you aware of a certain light being lit up in the next house or the group of people coming over.

“Well, if it isn’t the whole family!” an older George Barnes yells, as you turn to see him and a couple of other people come out with him. It wasn’t a surprised that any party -no matter how small-- attracted the jovial man -- you just didn’t expect to being seeing the whole Barnes family on your first night back.

You father gets up and greets him with a giant hug, like they didn’t see each other everyday. Your mother looks at you hesitantly before going to talk to Winnie (as food starts to be handed out amongst everyone), as you notice two other people with the older Barnes children -- a redhead and a tall blond. Sam grabs you around the waist with a huge smile. 

“Time to show you off, sweetheart,” San declares loudly only to have everyone look at him, as you groan in embarrassment before shoving him just a little.  

Once the two of you join the larger group, the younger Barnes sisters come up and welcome you, clearly missing you as they catch you up with everything you had missed from them, while also asking how you and Sam meet, and like a practiced tale --that isn’t really a complete lie-- you tell them in college through a very bad P.E class. You congratulate Rebecca and William on their upcoming nuptials, though you can’t help but think that she’s frowning just a bit at this turn of events. James and the mysterious redhead are a little bit harder to talk to since they seem to take to themselves only, though the two of you seem to orbit and avoid each other for the most of the night.

It isn’t until you start cleaning up the impromptu family event (thank god your mother always took out more than necessary) that you notice James standing a bit closer than you for a moment, as you see that Natasha, Sam, and William seem to be talking amongst themselves. You can’t help but shake your head at how Sam can just manage to make himself at home everywhere he went.    

“Hey,” you hear a voice as you look up from the table to see blue eyes and an awkward smile. Your heart isn’t doing the same crazy flips it did once, but there still stutters for a moment, “Been awhile.”

“It has been, James. But, I’ve heard you’ve been doing well,” you smile and try your hardest to stay professional, but you can’t help but notice that  the years have done him well what with that long hair and slight stubble. Blue eyes crinkle with silent laughter at the next part of your sentence, “Natasha and you sound happy together. 

“Yeah, yeah. You and Sand--” he starts off.

“Sam,” you correct him. 

“Yeah, he sounds like a great guy,” James says as you smile brighter than before because any compliment towards your best friend just makes you as happy as a clam, though you don’t take notice of the dimming blue eyes nor to the fact that his voice goes out towards the end of his sentence. But, of course you wouldn’t -- you didn’t know this version of James Barnes -- this echo of the summertimes you used to hold so dear.

“For all it’s worth,” you say picking up the stack of dishes on the table. You nod, trying to accept defeat and give him the forgiveness that said you did in the years apart, “It’s good seeing you again, James.” 

“It’s good to see you too, doll,” he manages to say, though you can’t help but quirk an eyebrow at the odd nickname he has given you, but shrug it off as nothing more before heading inside. Sam stays a while longer talking to Nat and the others, but you just need to get out of there, and maybe Sam was right in asking if ghosts haunted your childhood home.

Not old ones, but yours and what never got to be.

* * *

You spend the next two days before the rehearsal dinner showing Sam around the Shelbyville and all the things you used to love about your hometown, which connected a lot with a younger James Barnes and at this point it lead to you and him (along with Natasha) crossing paths a lot, which was a little odd since you would think he would’ve had time to show her everything by now. You didn’t hate the woman, in fact you liked her from the small talks you had, though she was a bit on the quiet side, but she did seem to fit well to James’ natural charisma. 

This had lead to you sitting rather close to each other in your favorite diner for milkshakes on a rather slow afternoon. The owner -Stan- watches the two “couples” for a good while before before shaking his head. 

“These old eyes still don’t lie,” he can’t help but laugh to himself as he whips down the countertop, as he can’t help but notice a certain pair of blue eyes caught up in the way a certain face shines when a good joke is told, just like when they were kids.  

**Rehearsal Dinner.**

You can’t help but smile at the large room where Rebecca is having this dinner, remembering how she talked about this place when you were younger. You are happy for here for two seconds until you notice who you and Sam have to sit next to -- Natasha, though there is no James in sight for now. The woman reminds you of an old Hollywood beauty with her pinned back red hair, matching red lips, and long black skirt with white blouse ensemble. Sam sensing your distress pulls out the furthest seat from her for you, as you give him a shaky smile. 

“So, how are you tonight?” Sam questions in a teasing tones as green eyes light up, as you sweep over all the tables in the room, certainly not searching, “Lonely? Abandoned?”  

“A little bit of both,” Nat states while taking a sip of her drink, “James got called by some old friends.” 

You don’t say anything, but you can’t help but wonder who these old friends could be since James changed friends every semester in-between summer -- they weren’t lasting relationships, just momentary things that seemed glued together for the school year and it wasn’t on people’s fault for trying -- James just had a tendency of pushing people of away for a reason that you didn’t understand even now, though you experienced it every summer as well. There was only one person that you are aware of that had stayed longer in his life, besides his family, was someone you had never meet before.

Dinner moves forward with no sign of James anywhere, as Sam tries his best to play the awkward mediator without bringing up the common thing between the two woman in front of him. However, once the drinks start following a bit more, both you and Natasha seem to open up and laugh at old memories that Sam can’t help but laugh at too. You feel the need to go the bathroom and excuse yourself -- smiling and just a little bit happier than you had been since coming back home, but also calmly at ease over Natasha. 

Everything was okay, you could live with this. Yet, your happy thoughts are dashed away as you bump into someone. A hand on your waist stops anything further from happening, as you get out of your hazy happiness to see bright blue eyes looking at you. There’s a timid smile on his face, though you can’t help but notice that blue eyes are glancing at your figure -- mostly because you are too as you appreciate the man in button-up white shirt with his sleeves rolled up and black slacks -- a perfect match to Natasha’s outfit. 

“You okay, doll?” James smiles, partially due to how gorgeous you look in the flower print summer dress you are wearing, but mostly due to having you in his arms. You nod to his question before backing way and apologizing, however before he can say anything -- a blond man is coming up to him and yelling out his familiar nickname.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were with someone,” the blond states and the statement confuses for just a moment.  _ Didn’t people know about Natasha?  _

“No, no,” James explains awkwardly, as the blonde keeps looking between the two of you because while he had removed his arm -- the two of you were still pretty close together. It’s a little awkward until finally James decides to introduce the two of you, and that’s when you meet the infamous Steve Rogers from Brooklyn. 

“It’s good to finally meet you,” he returns the sentiment and you find yourself talking to Steve about everything and anything, he just seems to have that aura around him. Hell, you even find out you have meet his wife at least twice due to the work that she does. You laugh completely caught up in his airport story to notice James looking at you mesmerized about something that should have happened years ago. However, as the stories comes to a close, you quickly realize why you got up, so you begin to excuse yourself.  

“I should let you guys catch up,” you smile and start to walk away, ignoring the fact that James looks like he is trying to say something, “It was good to finally meet you, Steve.” 

Steve returns the sentiment as you excuse yourself and finally head to the bathroom. A million questions are running through your head, though you can’t help but feel a little good about finally putting a face to the legendary “Steve Rogers”. You remember fighting with James all the time over him leaving you for New York for a kid that you never meet. What did Steve Rogers have that you didn’t? What did he know about Bucky?

You understood it a bit more now, but that didn’t stop the jealousy from burning just a little in the pit of your stomach, as you walked back to your table. James still isn’t there, but you can’t help but notice that Sam is alone and for once completely still. 

“Sam, you okay?” you asks a bit worried at your friend’s lovestruck face. You push his shoulder lightly for a moment, unaware of a certain redhead walking away. Sam shakes out of his stupor and gives you a wide smile.

“Yeah, let’s go get some dessert. I’m starving,” he grins, as he gets up and pushes you towards the buffet table. You shrug and follow on his instance, unaware of two pairs of blue eyes watching you as Steve can’t help but reprimand his best friend once everything is said and done.

* * *

**Bachelorette Party.**

As a sort of close friend of Rebecca’s, you end up going to her bachelorette party though not knowing the rest of her bridesmaids outside of her sisters, you end up at the edge of the fancy bar -- though you aren’t the only one. Natasha is your companion. She feels you looking at her and she turns, small smile and bright green eyes as she simply raises her drink before drinking it in one go. You wonder if James had a thing for redheads: the girl from that one Halloween party, Dot, and now Natasha -- he did seem to have a certain type, but it could be said simply being a “woman” meant you were made for  _ the  _ Bucky Barnes.

Hell, everyone except you, and it that poisoning thought that leads you to drinking a bit more and faster than before. Thank god, Nat is there watching over you and finally took the 6th shot from your hand. You stare at the countertop as she hands the drink to the bartender, most of the other woman ignoring you, as she tells you to stop.

“Hey, you okay?” she asks awkwardly and you can’t help but let out a laugh. You can tell she isn’t used to doing stuff like this, but it’s a nice thought that she is trying. 

“I can see why he likes you,” you say, more somber and sober than she thought you would be, though she is quick to pick up on who you are talking about, “What do you do exactly, Natasha?” 

“Private contractor,” is all she says and you can’t help but wonder if she had known James from his time in the Army -- she knew sides of him that you had only dreamt of. You wonder if the alcohol is finally starting to get to her when you ask her, unfiltered, how they met and just about anything else that comes to mind. There are tears in your eyes over all the stories she tells you right then and there, though you aren’t sure if it’s because they are so hilarious or because of what is all means. 

Natasha ends up asking you about Sam and there’s where your filter goes flying. You laugh and tell her of all the crazy and sweet things that you have lived through with the man since meeting him in that one disastrous frat requirement party. For a moment, you wonder how enthralled she is by these old stories, but before you can get inside her shell -- she decides to crawl like a little black spider into yours.  

“So, how long have you been in love with James?” she asks, you’re too drunk  and filled of nostalgia to remember that it’s Natasha asking, the one person that you shouldn’t been telling all this to. However, you had always been a tell-all sort of drunk -- one of the things that Sam enjoyed the most out of your friendship-- and maybe through all your discussions of the night, Nat had figured that out. 

“Since I was 14,” you manage to say as you play with the bottom of your ear shell. Green eyes watching your every move, “He was going to go to some Halloween party dressed up as Raggedy Andy with some girl he had started seeing. But, me -- I was sick as hell and didn’t go. In and out of sleep, I thought I was dreaming seeing him the entire time, my mom told he had been there keeping watch since my parents had left. I don’t know if he knows…”       

You’re looking at your hands, unaware of Nat’s softening look: “I thought, what if he liked me just like this everyday? Not just in the summer, it took me some more time but I was surely in love by then.” 

“I feel like there’s a but,” Natasha can’t help but frown, thinking about how much of a playboy the old Bucky used to be, so much different from the one she had worked with. She wondered if the both of you knew how exactly you had ruined each other for anyone else. 

“He was with that girl the next day,” you explain, slightly bitter towards the end, “Then, I realized that he would never look at me that way. But, I’m happy he’s with you.”

Nat mirrors your smile for a moment before she orders herself another drink. She wonders for the rest of the night, after carrying your sleeping self back to your home, how she got stuck with such fools.

* * *

**Bachelor Party.**

It’s a whole different game for Sam, who as a stranger in this whole affair doesn’t think he will get invited to anything besides when you take him somewhere, thus he simply gets ready for bed in one of your family’s guest bedrooms (he’ll never tell you he got lost for a good 20 minutes) until there is knock at the door. Your mother answers, only for a gruff but excited voice to call out his name and at that moment he’s knows he is being called out. He can’t help but shake his head in laughter,  you told him that “Bucky” used to do this all the time with other boys over a girl he liked. However, he can’t help but wonder if this was about what exactly James Barnes felt for you, since he had been picking up on things here and there since coming into Indiana.

It surely wouldn’t be the first time you failed to notice someone’s affections towards you.

Steve, poor sweet Steve, ended up in the middle of a silently seething Bucky and humoring Sam as the 3 them ended up in a local bar, far from the bachelor party that was happening a few doors down. James said nothing for the most part, as Steve found himself connecting with Sam over their love for Marvin Gaye and the Temptations, as well as the old Rocky movies. Sam was a good man, from what Steve could tell as he worked in the VA centers back in Los Angeles as a counselor after his own time in the Air Force. Steve could tell that eventually they could all get along, if there weren’t the childish attitude Bucky was acting on right now. Steve could only shake his head at all this, a little worried about leaving these twoo alone when he had to leave to go to the bathroom.    

"Ah, she said you would do this," Sam remarks offhandedly, not to be completely mean but to see what he could get out of James Barnes -- what emotions did he have towards his dear friend after so many years. 

"What exactly?" Bucky answers back, taking another sip of his drink. The more he drinks, the more somber and reflective he seems to get, always had. 

"Try to be the ' _ big dog _ '. Acting like you’re 15 years old,” Sam laughs a little, remembering all the stories you told him of the infamous James Barnes, his need for attention, and his ever-changing imagery. Bucky Barnes could have been an actor with all his charm and acting ability, was something you had told him once. However, all Sam saw and understood from what he had pieced together was that James Buchanan Barnes was a successful man, but he was still haunted --more than most-- by mistakes that Sam would probably never understand -- you being just the tip of the iceberg. 

“I didn’t think she knew about that,” Bucky remarks with a surprise in his tone of voice, as he wonders for a brief moment what else you had seen from your place in the background -- all the regrets and mistakes that he had made in his youth had been laid out in front of you and he probably didn’t even know. And even then, you still allowed him to come back -- to give him a sunny reprieve to all he wanted to hide away from the world. 

It wasn’t until it was too late that he figured out how he had taken it all for granted.  

“You obviously didn’t know she’s hella observant,” Sam answers before adding an afterthought, “Guess that was something you never noticed.” 

“Yeah,” Bucky finally gives in to all of Sam’s push back, as brown eyes watch him like a hawk, “She’s always been too good for me, ya know? I did stupid shit and hung out with the wrong crowds, but she was always there waiting for me.”

Sam pauses taking sip of his beer, as James puts his own up: “But, I am glad she has someone to call her own and protect her.” 

Sam pulls his own drink up, as Steve comes back glad that they didn’t kill each other, with a clear assessment of what is going on and what he is going to have to do next -- for both your happiness.

* * *

**Wedding.**

You always got a certain way during weddings. You knew this, Sam knew this. 

The declaration of love in front of you with a smiling bride and handsome groom seem to give you hives. Your nose got itchy and there were goosebumps all over your body. The short sleeves and lace of your dress hung to you like a second skin, as your eyes just got a little red and puffy.

You didn’t know why this happen, but it always did -- in Sharon’s wedding and every other employee wedding that you had gone to since. You had always dealt with it alone, sitting near the back and trying to stay as quiet as you could -- a fever or cold following the wedding so afterwards with Sam sometimes dealing with the aftermath or hearing stories about it. 

Right now, he is dealing with it with your forehead on his shoulder as a cold sweat makes it way through your body, as you move the napkin to wipe away the tears forming in the corners of your eyes. To anyone else, it just looks like you were crying over a beautiful wedding, and it does look like that to James and Natasha -- as blue eyes turn to look a few rows back.

“You should  _ calm down _ ,” Nat repeats and pats his right hand, while his left hand has completely crushed the pamphlet that was passed out in the beginning. James takes a steady breathe to calm himself down as Nat shakes her head.

She glances back for a moment, green meeting with warm brown -- if only the other knew, like their best friend did.

* * *

**Reception.**

You’re feeling a bit better, but not enough to be dancing around over and over again. So, you listen to the music and watch as the couples take to center stage. It wasn’t their first dance together that was saved for [ the song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68MKLkNSMN4) that played on their first date, but something felt more magical about  [ this song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L37l8BTj_nM) . The voice reminded you of lost summers and promises you had made to yourself as a child, of who you wanted by your side for the rest of this long adventure, but somehow it hadn’t happened. You glance to the side and see Sam dancing with Natasha and while you can’t help but think it’s a little strange how close they are, the way the lights gleamed on them made your heart stutter. 

All this love and emotion on display starts to get your stomach acting up once more and you need to get out, but as the song keeps on playing the only person you had wanted to dance this type of waltz with suddenly appears in front of you. Blue eyes shining with worry as you lean on to the hallway wall.

“Doll, are you alright?” he questions softly, but it echoes to you as your head starts pounding. Your skin burns where his hand touches you and you want him to stop, to get as far away as you can from him -- for him to stop treating with this temporary kindness he’s only ever shown you, but your throat dries up when he leans your body into his. 

“Let’s get you some water,” is all he can say, taking on full mother hen mode than you had only seen a few times here and there during the summer and when he worried about his sisters.  

You two walk a bit more, but your mind is too hazy to see immediately what it in front of you. Sam and Nat coming out of some room -- kissed out and all the signs of a classic makeout session on display. James seethes as he catches Sam’s surprised look before going straight to the man and trying to punch the daylights out of him. However, Nat had always been the quicker one of the two when it came to combat training and she knew what Bucky was going for, as he stops him midway, as you with a slightly clearer head try to stop him by grabbing his right hand.   

“James,  _ stop, _ ” you plea softly, as you move the two of you from where Natasha and Sam are standing. You meets Sam’s eye, shaking your head, as Nat drags him to the opposite side of the hallways. Bucky is still fuming and expecting you to be crying or experiencing _ something _ emotional, but you just take a breathe and laugh a little. It breaks him how poorly you’re treating yourself over this guy. (And Nat, he’ll a word for her later).    

“Are you just gonna let your boyfriend pull that?” Bucky yells, as you watch him, “He’s still there with Nat. Don’t you deserve better?”

“Don’t you pull that shit on me, James,” sickness clearly forgotten, as you try to defend yourself and by extension Sam because Bucky Barnes has no right in talking to you about how to treat people after everything he had done. The scene with Nat and Sam is slowly forgotten, as something else --years in the making-- finally makes it way to the surface. 

“No! **You** _don’t_ **know that feeling when you’re not your favorite person’s favourite person, and it kind of feels like you’re constantly swallowing sand?** Seeing you laughing and dancing with that guy? It kills me and to have him doing this,” James fights back, though unsure against what at this point, as he wants to yell, support, and kiss you all at the same time. The fire in your eyes shining so brightly isn’t helping the situation much either.    

“I get it completely,” you answer back, tone dark and even, as you let go of your feeling -- not overthinking the consequences for once, “I’ve gotten it for years, **every summer** watching _ my favorite person _ leave me and turn into a different person for the attention, for the girls that flirted and he dated--”

“Doll--” 

He’s stunned and you’re pure anger. 

“Fucking call me that again and you’ll lose your other arm,” you let out in once breathe as he watches you tirade in silence, “I’ve seen  _ my favorite person _ , the one I loved since I was 14, walk away every damn time without a hint of remorse. So don’t spew me your bullshit, James Buchanan Barnes. I don’t regret walking then and not now.” 

You walk away, leaving a stunned Bucky for, a second time as you head back to your parents’ home.

* * *

You don’t remember much after your parents picked you up from the event and you collapsed in your room soon afterwards. You hadn’t seen Sam for the rest of the evening and don’t even hear from him the next day. You wonder what he’s up to, but are happy that he found someone he’s so infatuated it with and from what you had seen Natasha was a good person, even though she was a little closed off. You thought that matched your good friend perfectly. You heave out a sigh and dig yourself into your bed a bit more until you hear it, that noise that still haunts you --  _ clink clink _ . You groan but don’t move at all, you close your eyes and try to sleep once more. You aren’t playing this game again, especially after confessing last night. 

“Come on, sleepy head,” a warm voice and shaking welcomes you back to the land of the living, as you look up and Sam smiles, “Someone is waiting for you outside.”

“No,” you groan out, as Sam shakes his head only to pick you out of your bed bridal style. You yelp as he laughs, you come out of your blanket as he starts moving down the stairs. You huff before you start coughing again once more. 

“Nat and I realized that you guys need to talk,” Sam explains as you give him a smile.

  
“It’ _ s you and Nat _ , now?” you tease, as he shakes his head. You’re going to have get the the story out of him at a later time, right now he seemed distracted with something else, as you reached the bottom of the stairs.

He places you softly close to the front door, as you can tell your parents are sneaking glances here and there from the living room. It wasn’t like your parents didn’t know what was going on, but they trusted you enough from a very young to be logical and straightforward with your feelings -- it was just never like that when it came to James Barnes, and maybe they knew that and had let you leave their home earlier than usual because of that but now as a grown woman, there wasn’t much they could tell you. 

“Just please listen to him,” Sam tries to cheer you up as he places his hands on your shoulders, “There’s a lot both of you seem to misunderstand about the other.”

“I’ll try,” you admit defeat at that bright smile Sam always get when he is right about something, and maybe like always he has a point and thus for him and for the much needed closure you need to have -- you let Sam push you out the front door to the front porch. And, that’s when your heart stops once more. 

James is walking back and forth on the grassy part. Brown hair disheveled in appearance as he keeps running a hand through it in frustration every so often. He’s wearing a white top covered with red and blue flannel and a pair of sweats, you have to wonder how he isn’t hot with such humidity. But, it’s in this moment that you notice the bags under his eyes and the pale complexion he seems to have -- James looks as bad as you feel, and you can’t help but wonder if he has always looked like that or if it was just since last night. 

You take what little courage you have and call out to him. He stops in his tracks and blue eyes turn to look at you, really look at you before an crooked smile blooms onto his face. He comes up to you, ready to reach out but you take a step back and you swear that you see the light die out in his eyes for a moment. James let out a sigh before shaking his head. You take an uneasy step to sit down on the stairs before patting the space to you. 

“I’m here to listen to whatever you gotta say,” you say in an even tone, handing out a peace branch as he sits down, “I’ll listen, but that’s it for now.”

James is quick to understand that this is the only chance you are giving him to mend what was broken years ago, to make you understand everything from his point-of-view -- and how he tries. He goes from middle school to the wedding, how he never felt he was good enough and needed to present himself as something for people to like him. However, the summers were unconditional for him -- it was only the two of you and he didn’t have to pretend, though the fear was always there in the back of his mind -- that complex he would never be good for someone like you -- he just didn’t know it was love until you were gone. He lost himself for a good while too: joining the Army, losing his arm, coming back and getting his degree, then opening his own branch in Indianapolis, but something was always missing.

“And Natasha?” you question, as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Nat is just a friend from my Army days,” he explains looking up at the sky, “I just brought her as a pretense, just like Sam.” 

He gives you a sad smile, but there is still something else that you want to know about -- that thing, that past that drove you from your home in the first place. You have listened to everything that James has said, but there is one crucial piece of information missing and you know he knows it too. 

“And Dot?” you ask, pulling your blanket a bit closer to yourself as he lets out a bitter laugh. Blue eyes look at you, something dark and haunting about them scare you for just a moment -- you wonder briefly if you should have asked. He places his right hand in front of the two of you and flips it over to the inside of his wrist to show you a large surgical scar that moves from the right to left of his wrist in a slanted angle -- as if someone had been trying to cut his hand. 

“I don’t think I can ever tell you, or anyone, about what happened between me, Dot, and Rumlow,” he explains and though he tries to be steady, you can hear the he is struggling with the last part, “But, I can tell you that you were right that night in the bathroom.” 

“Okay,” you nod, as he gives you a watery smile before going on once more, knowing that this could be the last thing he would ever telling you.

“Even if you don’t anymore, I still love you,” he smiles with red eyes as you stare at him like a deer caught in the headlights, “I was just such a fool who didn’t realize what I had until it was gone, and I’ve regretted it everyday since. I just want you to know that, doll.” 

You stay silent for a long time and after admitting defeat to himself, Bucky starts to get up from the steps. It’s then you can finally find your voice, finally do what you should had done years ago. 

“I love you too, James. I don’t think that’s ever changed,” you admit helplessly as James turns to look at you, hope and fear mixed together in those blue eyes of his, “But, I’m not the doormat I was as a child. So, if you want, I am willing to take this slow and be friends again.” 

_ Friends. Friends.  _

It’s not what he had wanted, but it was more than what he thought he was going to get as he leans down on your step, as little different from all those years ago but familiar with all the anxiety and fear you knew so well. He pulls out his hand and grins. 

“I’ll take that for now,” James admits before introducing himself once more,  _ James Barnes - architect. _

You laugh and start shaking his hand while stating your name and current job title in front of those old houses where this had started  years ago. 

And maybe one day (with communication  and understanding), your favorite person could love you every day of every year and not just in the summertime.


	3. i have everything i want, except you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was hard as hell to write a balance between loving someone but still trying to be friends/relearn who they are, but I hope it came out well. These events take place in a linear fashion, however their distance from each other is up for you to decide. Please enjoy the epilogue!

Two weeks, Bucky realizes that he has been in loved with a concept, an idea of someone that used to do everything that he wanted in the summer if he pushed her hard enough to. The you of today doesn’t live in that box he molded out of old childhood daydreams and the potential “what-if” he constantly dreamed of. 

In two weeks, he realizes that you and the ideal aren’t the same in anyway. You’re so much more than that, and it takes him a good long while afterwards to come to terms with that. 

You run your family’s business all on your own, leading its expansion in careful measurements after so many years stateside. You are a dear friend with your own share of crazy adventures that Sam can recall with perfect clarity, much to your annoyance and Bucky’s temporary anger. You’re a great daughter and are involved in so many things back on the West Coast it makes his head spin. However, in some ways you haven’t changed -- you still prefer to stay home and watch old movies than party with the younger Barnes sisters, much to his joy as he comes over during the time you’re there -- baby steps. 

But even in those little moments, he can see that you’re stubborn and opinionated, preferring to run to the beat of your drums than anyone else’s anymore. And for a brief instant, James Buchanan Barnes mourns the old you –his childhood friend and the what-if– but he’s even more excited to learn all about this beautiful new version of you. 

It’s funny, what had taken you two years to realize had only taken him two weeks. 

* * *

However, after everything is said and done Bucky Barnes is a weak man that misses those timid smiles and cautious words given to him a month ago, and even though there is calling and texting -- it’s isn’t enough to what he had back in Shelbyville. So, he books a flight for Los Angeles when the Labor Day weekend comes -- he is aware of the uneasiness in your voice, but you let him come anyways. 

Downtown Los Angeles isn’t the same as Indianapolis, closer to New York than he has been in a long time. He isn’t as tired as he should be from the four-hour flight, so after getting himself set up in his hotel room he decides to go to your office -- surprise you a bit earlier than intended. It’s a quick walk from where he is staying to your office anyways. 

Said office is small with it only occupying one floor of the high tower that it is placed it. At max, James sees a fifteen people working at the moment, but he has to remind himself that your company had satellite offices in different states aside from trying to expands to other countries now. It’s crazy how you can handle all this, he can barely handle moving from Indianapolis to New York when he is needed there, but somehow if anybody could do all this and more -- it would be you. 

The receptionist is quick enough to show him where your office is and James swears he is struck breathless for a moment as he sees you standing next to the large windows. The hazy afternoon sun giving you a certain glow, as he can barely understand the language you are speaking to the person on the other line. The receptionist leaves, but he’s still standing there for a good while until your phone call ends and you’re --so elegant in a navy blouse and black skirt-- asking what is he doing here with a cautious look in your eyes.       

“I was thinking we could hang out tonight,” James admits bashfully as you give him an exasperated smile, unsure of what to say for a moment.      

“I can’t do tonight,” you state as his heart drops, but then jumps like a kid on Christmas day over your next statement, “But, I am yours until Tuesday.” 

“I can do that,” James nods, trying not to be too obvious about his excitement, though he can’t help but ask,  “What do you have planned for tonight?”

“Business dinner with Tony Stark,” you state, falling into old habits of when Tony was still the CEO, before correcting yourself, “And Mrs. Potts-Stark.” 

“Wait, wait! You know  _ the  _ Tony Stark?” 

“Trust me,  _ sometimes _ I wish I didn’t,” you can’t but reminisce on how your disastrous friendship --getting too drunk after a tech conference and throwing up on his suit-- with the older man started, as James waits for an answer.   

Blue eyes watch as your lips quirk up at what seems to be a memory before laughing. You tell him to sit down and proceed to tell him of the horrible first impression you  had made to Tony Stark when you were just an undergraduate and how it proceeded from there.

* * *

You make it a point not to spend more than one day alone with James. 

It’s too easy to fall into the deluded fantasies that your head and heart after years of desperation could come up with, and how well he could fall into them as well -- it caused you to guard your heart tightly, least you move far and set yourself up for heartbreak once more. It had happened at least twice back in Shelbyville, but you weren’t looking for that with him. You wanted to heal and learn who this new James was. Thus, the small rule you had set up for yourself -- Saturday was completely for him, taking him around all the places that you loved within the place you called home now. 

The Getty. Santa Monica. Place you know like back of your hand and James welcomes with amazement. 

_ “Reminds me of Coney Island,”  _ he says with a smile while sitting on the ferris wheel, while looking down at the Pacific Ocean as you keep a tight smile from the other side -- you’ll never get that close again. 

Sunday was for everyone else, as you invited friends and business partners to celebrate Labor Day in your home. You’re running around, making sure everything is running smoothly while trying to connect with friends and old business partners. With everything that you were doing, you didn’t notice a pair of blue eyes watching your every move like a love struck puppy -- your friendly demeanor and easygoing smiles, something that he wishes were being thrown his way. 

“You should throw him a bone, sweetheart,” Sam can’t help but laugh, as he drags you away for moment. You frown as he motions to a certain man trying his hardest to make it seem like he isn’t looking in your direction.

“You know I can’t do that,” you state harshly and quickly run away from discussing this any further when someone -Tony, it’s always been Tony- starts calling out your name from the back of the small garden you own. 

“Bunch of fools,” Sam can’t help but shake his head, as he glances at his girlfriend who can only nod at what she knows Sam is thinking, though Nat understands your line of thinking a bit better. 

You’re just trying to protect your heart from the pain that was sure to come out of all this and James was just trying his hardest to prove he wasn’t the same rash child of his youth -- the both of you needed to see this through first before anything else could move forward.   

* * *

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe that’s what happens as you stop seeing James for a good while -- his workload catching up to him, long with other things that came with being an adult, as the two of you just can’t seem to find the time to meet up anymore. However, there is always text and phone calls and man, does James try his hardest to keep in touch through those means.

You know it’s him when the clock strikes 10pm.  

“Hey, what’s up?” you speak softly when you hear James’ haggard breathing. 

You know it going to be one of those nights, where Bucky just can’t sleep and you’ll be running on barely 2 hours of sleep. 

“Same old, same old,” he lets out with a self-deprecating laugh, as he hears you let out a low hum. He almost wants to hang up, but you beat him to it  by asking him how his day was -- make him go through the whole thing in great detail as a distraction.

Bucky doesn’t know when it starts: waking up from his infrequent nightmares turned into calling you in the middle of the night, but it’s usually followed by the best sleep that he’s gotten in the very long time. And maybe because it is the middle of the night or simply because it’s you on the other side of the phone -- Bucky lets his defenses fall just a bit. He talks about his day, his time in the Army, he hopelessly murmurs his hopes and dreams to you -- and when he has the right timing, you’ll answer him back with yours as well. 

It last until 2am your time, as sleep slowly starts to claim Bucky, though with promises of something much sweeter this time around. He tells you he’s going to sleep now, as you let out a yawn. 

“Thank you, I l--” Bucky in his sleepy haze manages to stop himself from uttering those three words, though his heart aches when you sigh. 

“I know, I know,” you mutter hopelessly back but never give him the response he is longing for, “Goodnight,  _ Bucky _ .” 

Your side of the phone clicks signaling the end of the call, but James keeps staring at his dark ceiling for a while longer. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it was definitely a step towards the right direction.

And if Bucky has a goofy, lovestruck on his face for the next couple of days -- nobody dares to tell him.  

* * *

James isn’t sure how a night out to get a few drinks with Steve, Peggy, and Nat turned into making fun of the current state of emotions -- all because you were on a date, with someone that clearly wasn’t him, back in Los Angeles. 

“I’ve never seen him this mopey before,” James glares at his best friend as Nat shakes her head.

“I’ve seen worse,” is all she answers back with because she and Sam have been through the thick of it with both of you in different ways since the wedding. 

James chugs his beer at the thought of seeing you in that dark dress you had sent Nat, who proceeded to show it off to everyone else that had gathered in the bar that night. Because even though the two of you you were sort of friends and sort of  _ something else _ that didn’t stop you from going out on dinner dates that your other friends and business partners set you up on. 

People wanted you to be happy, just like they were, and while you took it with stride and a wisecrack here and there, it was killing him slowly. What if you found someone that complimented you in every single way. What if you finally fell out of whatever it was you had with him? James  didn’t want to lose you, but he didn’t want to suffocate you with his emotions either -- James knew how distant you could be when the need arose for it. Thus, he was stuck in this hurtful limbo.

“You could always go on a date too, James,” Peggy tries to add on as an incentive, like the old Bucky Barnes used to go around and run after any pretty thing that batted their eyelashes at him.  It’s was one night thing or a casual thing that lasted a few dates, but never nothing of substance. 

He was slowly coming to realize that with the time he spent with you, the possibility of years of daydreams finally turning into a reality that he couldn’t go back to that type of lifestyle.  _ This was a lifetime sort of thing,  _ like what Steve and Peggy had, like what he saw growing between Nat and Sam.

After all the years apart, after all the damage he had done to you and the relationship you two shared -- he deserved to live with the detachment and silence you couldn’t help but show him sometimes, but he knew it was melting -- the small changes were there...in the fleeting smiles, in the honest laughter, in the talks you had that could last for hours.

“I don’t think I could--” James starts off with a shaky breath, as everyone’s eyes widen at what he might say -- what he is declaring in front of all of them.

However, he is stopped by an all too familiar Nutcracker suite ringtone as Nat picks up her phone. 

“ **Message:** Date ended horrible, call me!” Nat exclaims to everyone as James perks up for just a moment, looking at the redhead with bright eyes, but if he thinks that she is going to call you right then and there -- well, that’s a completely different story.

“Later, lover boy,” is all the redhead says before leaving, a secret smile in her face --over things she already knows-- as she pats Bucky’s back. Steve and Peggy start to prepare to head back home as well,  his declaration completely forgotten, though James knows deep down that he meant every word on the tip of his tongue. 

He would gladly be a starving man if meant keeping you in his life after all this time.  

* * *

It’s by some miracle that the two of you are spending some of the Christmas holiday in New York, what with you having end of the year meetings with investors and James having to attend a conference. Now, it’s his chance to show you his old hunting ground. It takes you a couple of days to figure out when you could meet up, but James hasn’t stopped grinning since this morning when he took you out for brunch and showed you around the city, though mainly around Brooklyn.

Now, here you here -- on your way to Steve and Peggy’s townhouse to celebrate Christmas with them. However, you were treating it more like a business transaction and had gotten a heap of presents for the people that you knew were coming and the Rogers-Carter children as well, which meant that you and James were carrying four bags full of presents.

“Is all this really necessary?” he can’t help but ask, as the two of you are waiting on the steps for somebody to open the door. 

“My parents used to do it all the time,” you explain, thinking back to all those holidays  parties you spent on the West Coast, “Have to make a good first impression.” 

“You’re gonna spoil those girls,” Bucky can’t help but remark on the three girls that were used to calling him Uncle, though he can’t help but also think that this is the first holiday that you have really spent together -- back as children, one of you was usually away on trips with your family. With the variety of presents, your festive sweater, and your wide eyes over the decorations outside the home. He just knew you had a soft spot for the holiday. He’s about to say something, but it is stopped when the door opens.

“Uncle James!” a small girl, brown hair with blue eyes who looks around 8 years old, as Bucky yells out  _ Lily.  _

“You have to forgive her,” Peggy comes into to the picture from behind the door with a smile, “They’re are each other’s favorite.” 

“It’s good to see you again,  Margaret ,” you nod, as Lily tries to get James to hug her though it isn’t quite possible until he has put all the bags down, which Peggy tries to get her daughter to understand, though the Rogers stubbornness is strong in her.  

Eventually, Lily does get her hug from Uncle James as you are introduced to the three girls that make up the household -- Sarah, Michelle, and Lily-- all a mix of their parents with dark hair but light-colored eyes. For most of the night you are pushed between meeting business associates, helping Peggy, and spending time with Michelle, who has taken a shine to you. It isn’t until close to midnight that you finally allowed a chance to breathe and sit on the couch next to James, as he gives you a shy smile.

“Tired?” he laughs, as you nod while watching the people that are still left exchanging gifts with one another. You’re too lost in the scene to notice that he has placed a long, slim box in front of you that is until you hear something jingle inside. 

“You didn’t have you,” you say softly, as he places the box in your hand. 

“But, I wanted to,” is all he has to say, as he waits for you to open it, which you do rather eagerly. A daisy linked charm bracelet in all its glory lined up against the black cushion. You give him a smile full of appreciation, as you place the bracelet on your wrist. 

You get up for a moment and come back with a medium sized box and hand it to him, “Merry Christmas, James.”  

“Merry Christmas,” he breathes, as he watches you glow underneath the Christmas lights. James proceeds to grab and open his own gift, only for his eyes to widen as he gives you a dubious look due o the item in the box.

“Really?” is all he can manage to say, as he lifts up the bear with a sweater that says  _ Winter Boo Bear  _ as  his head moves back with laughter. 

You laugh and slide to James’ right side on the couch as you watch the kids and your other friends signing carols throughout the evening.

* * *

It’s springtime when James realizes he hates the season. 

It is around the time you left, even now he can’t see you due to all the international traveling you do during this time. He doesn’t want to push you, force you to answer all the texts and calls he wants to send you when you might be working or too tired to answer. 

It’s then when he hears the ringing of his cell phone, a huge grin on his face as Steve groans at his best friend’s lovesick state. 

> _ Hey, hey, what do you think of this cake? _

He didn’t know, you also hated the springtime too.

* * *

It’s summer in Shelbyville when you have time to visit once more, though all the activities you had planned in terms of business and travel are pushed back due to your father’s weakening health. It was a scary time for both you and your mother, and as their only child --regardless of your past and how your relationship fluctuated at times-- you needed to be there for them. You stayed through the doctor’s visits and eventually hospitalization, but your father had always been a stubborn man and even in his weakening state always asked what you were doing about the business at hand. 

All day watching over them in some way and all night working through all the work that you had been missing was wreaking you in all sorts of  ways. 

And maybe, James knew that from the string of late night calls and endless, frustrated texts.

That’s when James gets an idea and decides to head back home --to Shelbyville-- from Indianapolis for the weekend. He keeps it a secret on the Friday he gets there until he gets permission from a smiling George Barnes to use the old blue truck that he used to own back in high school. He asks your mother to make sure you are dressed and prepared on Sunday morning, much to her excitement. 

He’s standing on your porch that Sunday morning, while he can hear your mother fussing on the other side of the door that you need to get out and have sometime for yourself, much to your distress. The door opens and you are pushed out, only to be meet with a smiling Bucky.

“Morning,” he declares brightly, while grasping your hand as you are still trying to figure what is going on. 

“Bucky,” you gasp out, as he freezes halfway to the truck since you don’t use his nickname often which always causes a pleasant shiver to run down his spine, as he grins, “Where are you taking me exactly?”

“ _ Everywhere _ ,” is how he explains it before getting on the driver’s side of the truck and staring down the familiar road.

James stays true to his word and takes you to all your favorite places. You eat lunch at Stan’s Diner. You go to the bookstore and spend more of the early afternoon in the arcade, as you and James fight through the various games, and he wins you small trinkets and plush toys with his skills, only for you to move down the block and watch a late afternoon movie at the local theater. There’s a huge grin on your face the whole day and James couldn’t be prouder of himself. 

The sun is slowly sinking into the hazy evening sky, as James takes you to the edge of town though you aren’t sure where he is taking you since you usually stayed within the limits of Shelbyville. You look at him with a questioning look, as James keeps his eyes on the road. 

“Where are we going now?” you ask.

“One of my favorite places,” James answers vaguely, as you frown -- just a little weary because you were still too cautious when it came to the past.  

It’s a fifteen minute drive to where the woods are thicker and after you get out of the truck, it’s another ten-minute walk -- that’s when you stop and gasp at the area. 

It’s a large meadow that leads to one of the small lakes where the kids love to swim in, though it was empty for this time of day. The tall grass and large pink flowers blend in beautifully with the oranges, pinks, and purples of the setting sun and you can’t help but take a deep breath of the fresh air. 

It’s a beautiful sight and you are left in momentary shock. Years of living in the area and you had never seen this place before. It was daunting as it was beautiful. 

“I always regretted not showing you this place,” James states as you turn to look at him with great appreciation, “Even, if it’s not the best of times -- it’s always here of you-- I am too, ya know.  _ Always. _ ”   

“Thank you, James,”  the sincerity and caring tone of his words sending a flood of gratitude and a million other emotions running through your body and fill your heart with a warmth that you hadn’t felt --hadn’t been willing to accept-- in a very long time.  

The sun is golden, as the lake shines beautifully to match its radiance. You glance out of the corner of your eye to see James standing there with the most serene expression you have ever seen on his face.

Your heart stops, as your breath hitches. 

Maybe, this is the moment when you  _ truly  _ fall in love with James Buchanan Barnes all over again.


End file.
